How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age

The book How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age is a modern take on Dale Carnegie’s original work of the same title. It provides advice on how to become a more influential person in your life, whether in business ventures, on social media, or personal interactions. The book is also riddled with anecdotes that help clarify how to implement these tips in one’s day-to-day lives.

The most important takeaway of the book is that influence comes from valuing people and giving them the proper respect and treatment that everyone deserves. Focusing energy onto building up a prestigious appearance will not garner as much influence nor have much of an impact compared to building another person’s confidence and making them feel good about themselves.

Another review here listed all of the concepts explored within the book, and there were quite a few. I won’t get into all of them, but I wanted to highlight some of the ones I deemed as really helpful. The first is to affirm the good traits another person has. People can often have a pessimistic view of things, only focusing on what’s bad. The problem with this type of mindset is that it affects our actions. For instance, if someone has trouble with how they view themselves and we add onto their faults, whether directly to their face or not, they probably will have an even worse self-image. So instead of focusing on the problems they have, and this applied to one’s self-image, try and take an optimistic stance and see all the great in that person. And when you genuinely tell them all of the amazing characteristics they have, they may feel uplifted and more confident. This second group comes from “ways to make a lasting impression” segment. All of the points in this section are to take interest in other people’s interests, discuss what matters to them, listen longer, to smile more, and to always try to leave others a little bit better after an interaction. All of these concepts aren’t new and you’ve probably heard these tips all of your life, but that does not discredit their effectiveness. When someone makes the effort to do things like smile more, remember a person’s name, and to listen to their ideas and their passions, they will come off as an authentic and memorable person. Doing all of these things makes the person talking feel valued and important, and if you take a moment to reflect on all of the memorable interactions you’ve had, these feelings probably came up quite often. This following group of concepts comes from gaining and maintaining the trust section of the book. These ideas include never say you are wrong/condemn someone, admit faults quickly and emphatically, surrender the credit, share your journey, and throw down a challenge. There is quite a bit to talk about since all of these tips are rather diverse. I’ll start with avoiding condemnation and admitting faults quickly and wholeheartedly. When one decides to openly criticize a person for their wrongdoings, probably, the person they are criticizing will not listen. When someone aggressively approaches us, we feel threatened and tend to build up this wall or other defense mechanisms to protect us. If you trying to help someone in correcting one of their flaws, such as being late all the time. Instead of directly saying, “you are always late and unreliable” try to become calmer in your delivery and say “Whenever you are late, I feel disrespected”. By saying “I feel” instead of “you are disrespecting me”, it comes off less critical and they may be a bit more sympathetic. It also helps when you admit your wrongdoings. on top of doing this. If you focus your efforts on making the other person believe you are this perfect individual who can do no wrong, it will make it a bit more difficult for them to sympathize with your situation. This perfect appearance may even make the situation more dramatic than it is because a high expectation has been built. When you try your best to admit your mistakes, people will see you as a human who is just as capable of making mistakes as anyone else. Not only will this relieve the pressure of maintaining this type of image, but it also allows for genuine connections. Next up is surrender the credit. This one is a bit more difficult to implement because most of us desire for our hard work to be acknowledged. Anyway, the concept is that if you spend less time trying to chase for all the glory of something, people aren’t going to trust or really like you. Oftentimes when people do this, they try to undermine other people’s work so that they look better. Now when someone does the opposite and acknowledges everyone else’s work in the project, they appear humble and will more often than not get more recognition. Exercising authentic humility is vital to creating trust and also makes you a better person. Of course, there are times where this concept doesn’t have to be applicable, such as if a person in a group completely flakes and doesn’t do any work, but in most circumstances, this is very important. The share of your journey concept was portrayed through a business perspective, but I think it applies to personal relationships as well. It says how people are more inclined to help you or buy your product if you tell them your journey because they want to take part in and impact the overall story. The closing concept in this group is throwing down a challenge. Once again, this is more catered to businesses, but can also apply to one-on-one relationships. The book uses the example of NBA stars Larry Bird and Magic Johnson, who had a fierce rivalry during their careers. When Johnson’s career abruptly ended, Magic spoke out about how he greatly respects Larry and how he is grateful for their competition as it motivated him to become the superstar he was. When you challenge someone, whether the focus is on personal fitness, a videogame, or whatever, it will make you and the other person rise to the occasion as you want to succeed. In the end, it doesn’t matter who wins because you both will leave as better people. The final group of concepts I want to discuss lies in the final section of the book regarding leadership. These comprise of begin on a positive note, mitigate fault, magnify improvement, and stay connected on common ground. The first concept, beginning on a positive note, kind of plays into one of the other concepts, avoid condemnation. When you have to tell someone some less than welcome news for something like their performance at their job, it’s always best to start on a positive note to ease them into the less than fortunate news and become more receptive to the information. Even though we constantly hear people wanting the bad news first, a lot of times it puts their guard up and not want to accept what has to be done. Practicing this concept also is a great way to develop a more optimistic outlook on things. Next is to mitigate fault and magnify improvement. This is essentially the same as avoid non-constructive criticism and affirm what is good but in a leadership position. While you should acknowledge when someone has made a mistake, you shouldn’t place all the blame on them. Instead, say how they made an excellent effort and that this is a learning opportunity on how the team can succeed the next time. And when someone improves, which is always the goal in life, celebrate. Don’t downplay their accomplishment and tell them how proud you are. This will most likely make the other person feel really good and want to continue their new lifestyle. Finally, probably the most important concept in this group is to stay connected to common ground. We are all attracted to the people or companies that share the same beliefs and values that we do. If you can find that common point in the interaction, you can strengthen your range of influence and build a strong relationship with that person.

All in all, I think this is a great book that includes very important advice that is lost as we rely less and less on face-to-face contact. The only complaint I have regarding the book is that most of the social media advice tends towards people who run businesses. I thought there would be more advice aimed towards individuals who are looking to establish meaningful relationships through social media, but I still think How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age is a great read that can help improve your interactions, both in the digital world and the real one. I highly recommend giving this book a try.