Summary: How to Win Friends & Influence People

If someone feels negatively toward us, once we begin apologizing and sympathizing with their point of view, they will begin apologizing and sympathizing with our point of view.

Everyone wants to feel understood and have their troubles and opinions recognized. Use this to turn hostility into friendliness.

 Practice Principle 9:

Next time you approach a disagreement with someone, take a moment to imagine yourself in their shoes. If you were that person:  

• What sort of pressures would you be working under?  
• What would your goals and priorities be?  
• What sort of relationships do you have with the other people involved?  

Show the other person that you genuinely understand their perspective, by saying things like, “I completely understand why you see it that way,” or, “I know it would be helpful for you if …”

 People usually have two reasons for doing things — one that sounds good, and the real one. A person will recognize on his own the real reason he does something. We don’t need to point it out. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good.

In order to change people, we must appeal to the nobler motives.

Take, for example, a landlord who had a tenant that decided he was going to break his lease four months early. The landlord could have handled the situation by pointing to their contract and listing all the consequences that would follow, but he instead had a talk with the tenant and said:

“Mr. Doe, I have listened to your story and I still don’t believe you intend to move. I sized you up when I first met you as being a man of your word. Take a few days to think it over, and if you still intend to move, I will accept your decision as final.”

The result? The tenant concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to his lease. By appealing to the tenant’s nobler motives, the landlord was able to persuade him successfully.

Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. In most cases, people will react favorably if we make them feel that we consider them honest, upright, and fair.

 Practice Principle 10:

When you’re trying to convince someone to do something, start by thinking of a few positive traits that that person tries hard to embody (or conversely, would be ashamed to be told he does not have).  

For example, most people aim to be responsible, fair, wise, and diligent. Work these ideas in when you mention to your son that you know he’s extremely responsible about his chores, so you were surprised to see that he didn’t make his bed this morning or when you tell your boss that you respect his fairness when it comes to deciding who deserves a promotion.  

HBR Resource: Why Wise Leaders Root Themselves in Noble Purpose

 To be effective in convincing someone of our ideas or our argument, it’s not enough to merely state a truth. If we truly want someone’s attention, we have to present that truth in a vivid, interesting, dramatic way.

We get down on one knee when we propose as an act of dramatization – we’re showing that words alone aren’t enough to express that feeling.

We make games out of chores so our kids will play along and find it fun to pick up their toys when they get to make a pretend train around the playroom.

Carnegie tells a story of a salesman who walked into a grocery store, told the owner that he was literally throwing away money on every sale he was making, and threw a handful of coins on the floor. The sound of the coins dropping got the attention of the owner and made his losses more tangible, and the salesman was able to get an order from him.

Practice Principle 11:

Find creative ways to use showmanship in presenting your ideas. When you’re designing your next meeting presentation or sales pitch, think of some ways to engage other senses or appeal to deeper concerns. Could you include a funny video in your presentation? Or begin with a dramatic statistic to underscore the importance of your message?

HubSpot Resource: 7 Public Speaking Tips From the World’s Best Presenters

 Most people have an innate desire to achieve. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of competition – everyone wants to outdo others and be the best.  

When nothing else works in winning people to your way of thinking, throw down a challenge.